February 28, 2006
Two Trips to Victoria's Secret, and the Mysteries Unveiled Therein
Caveat- If you are a male, you might want to stop reading now. I'm going to be talking about my *ahem* boobies today...

Sometime last year, I went bra shopping. It was my first post- 'being a well-spring of white deliciousness for a very hungry almost 11 lbs at birth baby' bra. Since I had lost an extra 15 lbs of pre- baby weight (you wouldn't know it to look at me, sigh...), I was interested to see what my new size would be. I knew that I would be getting a new size, as my breasts resembled two pitiful little bean bags with stretch marks, rather than their pre- pregnancy fabulousness.

As I meandered around Victoria's Secret (what is her secret, and why does she hide it in a lingere store, anyway?), I came upon the Ipex display. The most innovative, compelling contraption known to woman in which to squeeze and shape and support her bosoms. It was incredible. It was soft. I had to have one. I didn't take my eyes off of the display as I waved crazedly at a passing sales associate. "I want one of those," I stammered, "but I don't know what size what I am!"

Seeing that I was close to drooling on all the pretties, the kind salesperson took pity on me and immediately started the complicated measuring process. "36B," she announced with authority. I took her at her word, bought the 36B, and lived happily ever after.

Until now, ever after, when my beloved 36B Ipex has given up the ghost. It needs to move on to wherever beloved and faithful bras go when they die. It no longer has the strength to hold up my girls, though it tries mightily.

Knowing this, I warned L last week, and reminded him that my bras are inexcusably expensive, but that I counteract that by wearing them far longer than the 3- month recommended period. He rolled his eyes and sent me on my way. Hatchling and I made the trip to the mall, where Hatchling played on the germ- riddled indoor playground, and I purchased another 36B Ipex and went merrily on my way.

When I cracked it open to wear it the next day, something was obviously, terribly wrong. It was tight, constricting even. Flesh was hanging out in places where flesh should not be hanging out. I tried wearing it for a couple of hours, thinking maybe it would grow into me, but it just didn't work. When I removed it that night, it went back in the pretty pink bag.

Hatchling and I returned it yesterday. I told the salesperson "I think this must be mis-sized."

"Let's measure you, just to be sure," she said. And then she measured me. "38C."

"Ummm, excuse me? But I haven't gained any weight since I got that last one. I promise. Seriously, how is that possible?" (the sales associate grew bored and wandered away to straighten some things at this point)

OK, so the C part I can understand. I was a C pre- Hatchling, so that's not too hard to believe. But 38? What is all that about? I'm not gaining weight, but apparently my girth is expanding? That's just wonderful. And that, my friends, is my evidence that the universe has it out for me. And what about my old bra, the 36B? I guess it really was the holy grail of bras, because it grew with me. I kid you not. It still fits perfectly. Maybe it is the travelling pants of underthings?

To add insult to injury, when L came home last night and I told him the story, he said "let me see" and felt under my arms. He informs me that I am fatter in that area than before. Thanks honey. Thanks a lot. Obviously, he thinks I want his honest opinion about such things. He could not be more wrong.
Blogger shay v. said...
What's wrong with husbands? Don't they know that we ALWAYS want a the truth unless of course it's something we DON'T want to hear? Hrumph... =)

Blogger Newlywed said...
You're only supposed to wear a bra for three months??!?!? I am SO past that with all of my bras. We're talking years on some. Of course, I have about 20 bras. The best two get most use, though. Should I throw them all out and start over?

Anonymous kassi said...
I recently got fitted...I "thought" I was a 36DD. No no no...I'm a 34F. I'm afraid to go back and get fitted again for the next thing they'll tell me is my boobs have their own atmosphere.

Blogger lawyerchik said...
I have the same problem, Kassi - trouble is, where does one find bras in those zip codes, I mean, sizes? Victoria's Secret doesn't go up to that size (pout!) which makes me loath their commercials even more.....

Blogger Hillary said...
He SAID that? Choke! Gasp!

Too bad we don't have Victoria Secret here in Canada. I've heard all about those lovely Ipex beras, but I can't get 'em here (and buying a bra over the internet just doesn't work). Hmm... maybe when I'm in the states for Spring Break...

I'll tell 'em Slush sent me, maybe we can get you a referral program! ;)

Blogger SlushTurtle said...
A referral program is just what I need. Then I could replace my bras in a timely manner! Great idea Hillary.

Blogger Katrina said...
"Obviously, he thinks I want his honest opinion about such things. He could not be more wrong."

*giggle, giggle*

This post was hilarious! We all know the challenge of finding the perfect bra--it's worse than finding the perfect jeans, and that's saying a lot!

I have no less than four different sizes of bras still in my underwear drawer--I'm afraid to get rid of any of them!