June 17, 2009
In Which I Am a (crazed) Boat Owner
Last Saturday, L had the gall, the gall!, to leave me alone all.day.long. with our squirrely children whilst he and a friend traipsed off to look at a boat. Can you imagine? I was whiny and irritated. My whininess and irritation were not helped when he informed me later that his friend's wife mowed the lawn while they were gone. I informed him haughtily that she probably didn't make homemade yogurt, a loaf of bread, a pizza crust and hot dog buns while he was gone, so there. Plus, it's in my marriage contract that I don't do lawns. No sirree.

L called about 4 to say he was almost home and to get ready to go for a sail. Actually, he didn't say sail. He knows about boats. I do not, so I feel free to use words like 'sail' when in fact, there is no sail or sailing to be had on our boat. And also actually, only half of the boat is ours. The other half belongs to the friend of L's. Thankfully, the friend will allow us to use his half, and we will allow him to use our half, so there is one whole and hopefully floating vessel at all times. So there. Where was I? Oh yes, so we quickly ate (a healthy and homecooked meal, no less) and got all our gear together. The boat came with some life jackets, so we didn't have to run out and buy those on the way (though I have since procured special type II pfd's for my children, because after all, I am my mother's daughter).

Another friend of L's came with us for our maiden voyage (friend 1 going home and getting the boat the next day), because apparently it is something of a problem that I can neither drive a boat NOR park a car with a boat trailer attached. In fact, I can barely park L's car at all, sans trailer. Hence the necessity of our friend. In future, this could be dicey. L is going to instruct me in boat driving this weekend, I believe. But really, I'd rather him just do it all. See, I think he can back the trailer in the water, jump into the boat, drive it back around the dock, tie it up, and go park his car while I wait like a princess. Isn't he lucky to be married to me? OK, maybe he's not so lucky. But I love him a lot, and he's stuck with me, so there. And I'm willing to try driving the boat, so maybe I'll be a natural.

Our boat looks like this (though I think this is a newer version):


It seats 8 people or so and has that nice little top (a bimini, see I know about boats!). It is very, very loud, and I wonder if I should make the kids wear ear plugs so they don't get hearing damage? My poor children, they will be geeky even on the lake. Really, they don't stand a chance. Also, I fear the children will be bounced right out the back when we hit bumps, so I've also contemplated some sort of tethering system. I know! I'm insane. Really, I can't help it!

Have I ever told you guys how I feel about lakes in general, and Beaver Lake in particular? See, I think it's full of bodies. Bodies just waiting to pop up next to you or be stepped upon by your unsuspecting feet. And let me tell you, the day I step on a body is probably the day that I have to be committed for good. Did you know that Cornelius Vanderbilt committed his wife for 3 months because she didn't want to move out of the house she loved into a boring house in town so that he could keep the country house, presumably, for his serial philandering? He wasn't a very nice man, the Commodore. This is your history lesson for today.

Why do I think lakes are full of bodies, you are probably wondering? Well, just think about how many people disappear at the lake, and you rarely hear about any of them being found. And also, imagine all the disease and filth being put off by these scores of rotting bodies. Funnily enough, oceans don't bother me, because I figure the tides move everything around so my chance of stepping on dead bodies is greatly lessened. And sharks. I figure the sharks take care of a few bodies too. I'm not so excited about the swimming possibilities, is what I'm saying.

So we have a boat, life jackets, dead bodies, and me, the princess. It should make for a fun summer, no?
6 Comments:
Blogger lawyerchik said...
Hilarious, Slush! I think you will be fine, though. I think you will take to boating and wearing life preservers and swimming in lakes and even learning how to drive the boat, once you get the hang of it. :) Congratulations!!

Blogger Leslie said...
You will be fine!! My baby went for his first sail at 5 weeks old. He is crawling this year, and I do plan on tethering him in. You can buy marine grade tethers. We have one on the sailboat already for a small adult, for our 12 year old to use when the weather is rough.

Blogger BlessedUtopia said...
see you on the lake cuz! If you go out for 4th of july let me know! We'll be out there to watch the fireworks and could tie our boat up with yours! Enjoy your new toy on body beaver lake :)

Blogger indavao said...

Blogger lawyerchik said...
[POKE. ... POKE-POKE.] Hm. I guess you are having so much fun that you've forgotten us, eh? :)

Just checking to make sure you haven't been eaten by those sharks you were talking about at the end of this post!!

Anonymous custom t shirt said...
Dont worry boy. its really a fun to be on sail. fear went off when you put the first step in the boat.